The Real Dean Interview
INT. TWEENY GIRL’S BEDROOM -
NIGHT
DIANE SAWYER, lying on her
stomach on a pink four-poster bed, kicking her pink bunny slippers in the air.
She talks on a pink princess phone.
DIANE
SAWYER
Hello? Connie? Pick up, it’s Diane. I so know you’re there, if you’re making out
with Wolf, just -- Hi. I had to tell you
-- ohmyGod I’m like doing Howard Dean interview! I know, right?! I am so
gonna check him with the
mad tough questions...
INT. ABC INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT
DIANE SAWYER sits with GOV. HOWARD DEAN and his wife, JUDY DEAN.
DIANE
SAWYER
Governor Dean, ohmyGod, you so bugged on national TV! My question is: Don’t
you just want to die?
GOV.
DEAN
I’m not proud of that moment, but
I was trying to rally my campaign staff after the disappointing
DIANE
SAWYER
Okay Mrs. Governor Dean, you must
be so like humiliated. I told my
boyfriend Peter if he ever went all Russell Crowe like that? His ass’d be so dumped. So are
you two still going out or what?
JUDY
DEAN
We’re married.
DIANE
SAWYER
Yeah, whatev,
my parents were married, and they both got new boyfriends. That reminds me, Governor Dean, are you gay?
GOV.
DEAN
This is my wife. We’re married.
DIANE
SAWYER
Yeah, but she’s never like around
you or anything. We never get to see
her. That’s pretty like -- my gay-dar is so going off right now.
INT. TWEENY GIRL’S BEDROOM -
NIGHT
DIANE SAWYER, on the phone again.
DIANE
SAWYER
Oh and Connie?
Can you download some of those mp3s with him screaming all mixed
in? I want to play it during the
interview. ‘Cause I can’t do it! ‘Cause my stupid mom turned off my AOL
account. Oh, they caught me spiking my
orange juice. No, with
Listerine, stupid!
INT. ABC INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT
DIANE SAWYER with GOV. DEAN and JUDY
DEAN.
DIANE
SAWYER
So what’re you gonna do, now that you lost?
GOV.
DEAN
Well, the race has really just
started -
DIANE
SAWYER
Right but no one’s gonna vote for you or anything,
unless they’re a loser.
GOV.
DEAN
I still have a lot of support -
DIANE
SAWYER
OhmyGod, loser!
GOV.
DEAN
I’m not a loser!
DIANE
SAWYER
Connie’s right, you are angry.
JUDY
DEAN
My husband is running a strong
race in
DIANE
SAWYER
Okay, but back in
JUDY
DEAN
DIANE
SAWYER
Which ocean is that on?
JUDY
DEAN
DIANE
SAWYER
I’m so sorry your boyfriend is
gay.
INT. TWEENY GIRL’S BEDROOM -
NIGHT
DIANE SAWYER, on the phone again.
DIANE
SAWYER
No, you’re a bitch! You’re a bitch! I hate you, you’re fat!
She hangs up.
DIANE
SAWYER
Connie’s all bougie
since she and Wolf hooked up. Who does
she think she is? It’s not like he’s a real wolf.
INT. ABC INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT
DIANE SAWYWER with GOV. DEAN and JUDY
DEAN.
GOV.
DEAN
I’m not gay! I have a wife!
DIANE
SAWYER
Let me guess,
she lives in
GOV.
DEAN
She’s right here!
DIANE
SAWYER
(to crewmember:)
Can we play his retarded spaz attack again?
That is so hilarious.
JUDY
DEAN
I think we’ve seen it enough.
DIANE
SAWYER
Who do you think you are, Miss
Thing?
JUDY
DEAN
I’m a doctor, and I’m his wife.
DIANE
SAWYER
Is it ‘cause
you’re so ugly that we never see you?
JUDY
DEAN
I have a practice in
DIANE
SAWYER
You should wear make-up. Then you could be all, “I’m the President’s
Wife.” Do you like this color lipstick on me?
That ho Connie says it makes me look like I got herpes. I’m thinking of auditioning for American
Idol. Let’s watch his spaz attack again.
JUDY
DEAN
No! For crying out loud!
DIANE
SAWYER
You know what he should do? He should go on “Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy.” He could be
like, “Guys, give me a makeover,” and they’d be all, “But you’re gay!” and he’d
go, “Oh, right!”
GOV.
DEAN
What do I have to do to prove I’m
not gay?
DIANE
SAWYER
Duh.
Say you’re sorry.
GOV.
DEAN
I’m...sorry?
DIANE
SAWYER
There, was that
so hard?
(to the camera:)
This has been my interview with
Governor Dean, who just lost the election.
GOV.
DEAN
There hasn’t been an election!
DIANE
SAWYER
You lost to R. Kelly in the poll
on my blog...oh, wait!
(to the camera:)
Mom, I didn’t go online, I
swear! Connie told me! I was just seeing if Peter left a comment!
CUT TO A COMMERCIAL FOR “BRATZ”:
Read
a transcript of the false interview here