Friday, May 02, 2003

 

Presentation is Everything

(A breakfast in the banquet hall at a Red Lion Inn. TRACEY, at the podium. She speaks to us)

TRACEY
I’d like to thank Red Lion Inn for hosting us this morning... but before we get started -- I know you’re all eager to hear Mr. Gertry’s remarks on the 2003 cost-cutting protocols -- but first I just have a few announcements.

Ah, the Salmon Eggs Benedict you’ve been eating this morning. Well, apparently it’s made with farm-raised salmon, a less expensive salmon... certainly Mr. Gertry would point out that in this economy thriftiness is to be admired. But the chef said that farm-raised salmon isn’t pink, but grey, like a lint-trap. He was sure you wouldn’t want to eat that, so he dyed the salmon a quite lovely -- although somewhat bright -- shade of pink. Using several thousand Paas Easter Egg color kits, I’m told. But don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe to eat.

I wish I could say the same of the eggs. Chef told me that they’ve just switched over to a new kind of egg, where the yolk is replaced with an edible polymer. Apparently there’s some real overhead involved with natural yolks. Anyway, the polymer is somewhat rubbery, and since it wouldn’t be a Benedict without a nice soft yolk, Chef tracked down some discarded yolks from an angel-food cake factory. Very out-of-the-box thinking, right? But I guess the yolks had been sitting in a disposal vat for some time and... if you just eat around the yolk, your liver should be fine. If you’ve already eaten the yolk, you might want to call a waiter over to refill your water glasses...you know, drink up, and get to the clinic...oh, after Mr. Gertry’s speech, of course. Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty of time. The busboy who first discovered the yolk issue ate at 5:30 this morning, so that’s about four hours before he lost control of his bowels.

Also, if you could all just take your forks, and scrape the hollandaise sauce off the English muffin. You don’t have to be too thorough, chef says a little won’t kill you.

So, I guess we’re ready to have Mr. Gertry come up... (to an offstage co-worker:) sorry, Ted, can you say that again? Oh. Uh-huh. (to audience:) Apparently Mr. Gertry ate some of the fruit medley, which I did make an announcement about earlier, and I know he heard me... still, the honeydew melon is a really beautiful -- although physically impossible -- shade of green, I can understand how he was tempted...

The Oregonian/Associated Press, May 1, 2003: Grocery Chains Agree to Modify Label to Note Salmon Dyed Pink

posted by Dan 11:42 AM
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Thursday, May 01, 2003

 

Acts of Sedition

(FARZANEH, an Iranian woman in her forties, in a state of agitation.)

FARZANEH
Stop it, Sadri. I’ve already apologized. I apologized publicly. It was a spontaneous gesture, and yes, inappropriate, and I apologized. I shouldn't've kissed his forehead. There’s no need to take it any further. Besides, you know Nasser. He’s a sweet little boy, he always will be. He always was. He cried that time you pushed him over, remember? When you were about eight, eight or so. You pushed him on the ground when he called you a name. He cried and cried, the poor little thing. I sat him on my knee and rubbed his back while Papa gave you yours. Boys, you boys, always at each other’s throats. It was silly. You boys were silly.

MORE...

* * *

(AGNESE, a Spanish woman in her twenties, in a state of agitiation.)

AGNESE
I’m sorry. But it’s a *simulated* blowjob. What’d you expect? I fool the cast with it, nine times out of ten. That’s pretty good, considering everybody is looking for the moment of penetration. There I am, naked under blinding lights, and they’re just watching my mouth for penetration. I jiggle my whole body just to distract them at the critical moment. What else can I do? It’s easy for you. You only have to cut Gustavo open. Everybody knows it’s not real, even when you make the “ccchhhrrrr!” sound. They know it’s not real. But me, they want to see...no, they’re hoping I put Gustavo in my mouth. The stagehands are praying to the Virgin, “Please, our Lady of Poplickers, let the whore actress put Gustavo in her mouth.” And I fool them, nine times out of ten. I doubt you’ll find a more realistic simulated blowjob in Europe.

MORE...

BBC News, April 24, 2003; Iranian Actress Escapes Lashing
BBC News, April 24, 2003; ‘Shocking’ Sex Play Opens

posted by Dan 10:29 PM
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