Friday, July 25, 2003

 

Man, I was in an odd frame of mind yesterday. I guess I'll follow it.

Unpredictable Pt. II

For Pt. 1, click here.

(MONA, RENE’s mother, a woman in her late forties, stands in a doorway, clutching plates. Except where noted, she speaks to the plates.)

MONA
No no no, guys, no. I’m not gonna do that. I’m not gonna throw you at the fence. I’m gonna serve dinner on you. Something hot. Something that really screams, “dinner.” Casserole. Yeah, I’m gonna plop a nice casserole on you.
(She lifts one plate to examine it.)
The casserole will go here, the peas here, the starch-to-be-named-later there. Rene’ll eat that. She’s gotta eat that. She’s gonna get an eating disorder. It’ll be all my fault, ‘cause I went on the Atkins diet. I’ve made her obsessed with body issues. She probably binges on laxatives.
(She calls off:)
Rene! You’re not in the bathroom, are you?! You’d tell me if you were in the bathroom, sticking a finger down your throat, right?!

RENE (offstage:)
I’m not in the bathroom!

MONA (back to the plate she’s holding aloft:)
I’d better call her boyfriend tonight, find out what she’s eating for lunch.

MORE...

posted by Dan 12:29 PM
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Thursday, July 24, 2003

 

Unpredictable

(RENE, a teenage girl, speaks to her boyfriend. It’s lunchtime, at a bench on the school grounds. She eats a sandwich throughout.)

RENE
No, it’s not that no one understands me. What’re you, my mother? Has she been calling you again? Ben, it isn’t that no one understands me, it’s that everyone understands me too well. This sandwich. Perfect example. Tuna salad. Every day, I eat tuna salad. Not peanut butter, that’s too fattening. Not bologna, that’s just blech. Tuna Salad. People say, “There’s Rene with her tuna salad sandwich, can always bank on it.” Like somehow I’m linked to the sandwich. Like we’re one. But I don’t wanna be that. I don’t wanna be whole wheat. Albacore or celery. Especially not mayonnaise. I can’t be the stupid sandwich. I gotta be bigger than the sandwich.
(She takes a vigorous bite.)
Yesterday I had visions, Ben. I saw through the veil of reality. I traveled to far-off corners of possibility, brought back secret things, hidden treasures that the world has forgotten, stolen artifacts of the human heart. Then I heard my mother outside, throwing plates at the fence again. Little bits of plate bouncing of my window. She always buys more plates the same day. That’s weird, right? But I just ignore it, and she knows I will, ‘cause that’s me. That’s Rene.
(Pause as she eats.)
I can’t be understood anymore. I’m all about mystery. Secrets. Freaky things. You’re a nice guy. I don’t know if you wanna get in this with me. But this is where I’m headed: tonight, I’m going to crawl into my television set. See where it takes me. There’s a documentary about the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge on the Discovery Channel tonight. Alaska, Ben. Very mysterious. I’m going in, and you got this one chance to go with me. I’m not going to any bachelorette shows in hot tubs. I’m going to the edge. I'll be eating whale blubber.

posted by Dan 11:49 AM
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Wednesday, July 23, 2003

 

I just added some more theater links, including Tex in the City. "But Dan," says you, "they're a group that's all about Texas, and you ain't from there." True. But some of my dearest friends and drunkiest roommates are. Besides, they did a night of readings for my friend, playwright Kayla Solomon. You can read about it here. No permalinks, so scroll down.

posted by Dan 8:31 PM
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Here is the entire text of the first draft of Nothing To Do Without You.

If nothing else, the technology of blogging helped me write a one-act.

Thank you, Fu-chah!

posted by Dan 5:58 PM
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Nothing to Do Without You (Pt. 3)

For Pt. 1, click here.

For Pt. 2, click here.


(Hell. Fire, brimstone. KATHLEEN and RICK, in singed and filthy rags. KATHLEEN kneels in front of RICK. RICK sits on a small boulder, holding a small mallet, with a bucket of iron nails at his side. He hammers the nails, one by one, into KATHLEEN’s skull. She has several sticking out of her head already, as does RICK.

KATHLEEN responds only slightly to the pain of the nails. She’s clearly accustomed to it. She’s looking a little bored, even. So she starts making annoying sounds with her tongue, slurpy, clicky sounds. RICK winces at this. Then he studies her.)

RICK
Do I know you?

KATHLEEN
No.

RICK
You look familiar.

KATHLEEN
Are you hitting on me?

RICK
Why would I be hitting on you, here?

KATHLEEN
It could happen.

RICK
You look real familiar.

KATHLEEN
I haven’t seen you around her before.

RICK
I got here a few months ago, I fell through the bottom of a vat of pitch. That big stalagmite in that gully over there? I lay with it wedged through my rib cage. For a couple of weeks. You must’ve seen me. Pain in the butt, wriggling off that thing -

KATHLEEN
[makes annoying tongue sounds.]

RICK
Can you not do that?

KATHLEEN
You mean, “Will I not do that?”

RICK
You know what I mean.

KATHLEEN
I guess I’m just too obsessed with grammar, I’m an old fuddy-duddy.
(Beat.)

RICK
We know each other. Maybe from when we were up above, before.

KATHLEEN
Pretty unlikely.

RICK
I’m really getting a strong feeling. Like you...like you did something to me.

KATHLEEN
Really. What did I do to you?

RICK
Something bad.

KATHLEEN
Really.

RICK
Like maybe you ruined me, somehow.

KATHLEEN
Wow. (Pause.) Sorry, manners.
(She offers her hand.)
Hi there.

MORE...

Legal Affairs, May-June 2003: To Kill an Avatar

posted by Dan 5:49 PM
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Monday, July 21, 2003

 

Overheard at a 4th of July Picnic

(This really happened. A park, during a community picnic. Two married couples, LARRY and LAURA, MARK and MARGRET, in their late thirties, waiting in line for the buffet table. They are all smiles.)

LARRY
Margret, I had a dream about you.

LAURA
He won’t shut up about it.

MARK
What kind of dream was this?

LARRY
The worst kind, buddy, the worst kind.

MARGRET
What was I doing?

LAURA
What do you think you were doing? You were screwing.

LARRY
It was just a dream.

LAURA
You won’t shut up about it.

MARK
You better watch yourself.

LARRY
But it was funny because we were on an airplane.

MARGRET
Yeah?

LARRY
I swear to God.

MARGRET
That’s interesting, because I’ve had dreams about screwing you too.
(Silence. Smiles drop. Then:)

MARK
Wasn’t there a Honeymooners episode, where Trixie thought Norman was cheating on her?

LAURA
Yeah!

LARRY
Yeah, that was great!

LAURA
I love the Honeymooners.

MARGRET (under her breath:)
Okay, never mind.

MORE...

The New Jersey Star-Ledger, July 18th, 2003: Picnic pigout: Munchers eat a red, white and blue streak for the 4th

posted by Dan 2:16 PM
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The Act

(A computer screen. Three people, initially representing browser windows, address the audience. MEDALLION is young, greasy and wears the Don Johnson Miami Vice white suit. DORCUS, a young woman, wears a severe black leather outfit, her hair strapped to the back of her head. KOAL, older than them, is a grey-suited government employee type.)

MEDALLION
Click here for the hottest hardkore x-iest pictures on the web! Not just wet hairless body, but meaningful shocking action! Click here!

DORCUS
Amateur D-Size Professional Hardkore! Real shots of real women in action wet shots! Click here, American Internet Browser Customer, join fun, some free!

KOAL
Credit card debt spiraling out of control? Click here for debt consolidation by the hot hot hottest internet babes -

MEDALLION
Guys guys guys, This one looks like they came for something special. This one’s not your typical cyber-perv.

DORCUS
Hmmmmm...underage psycho summer camp humping?

MEDALLION
No...vegetarian domination underpants?

DORCUS
No...donkey exam milkshake threesome?

KOAL (to audience:)
I know what you want. You’re angry too much. You’re scared when planes fly overhead, and listening to the news makes your neck ache. Click here for relief.
(We hear a loud iron CLICK.)
Thank you. Welcome to the U.S. Department of Justice Triple-X ReportPorn.

MORE...

New York Times, July 21st, 2003: Report on USA Patriot Act Alleges Civil Rights Violations (Registraion Req'd)

posted by Dan 1:34 PM
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