Venal Scene

Friday, October 17, 2003

Worst. Conspiracy. Ever.

(A hidden tomb. In the center, a man-sized cylinder of tinfoil. Two grey-haired guys, MAURY and ALBERT, enter separately, in long black robes. Suitably ominous, mystical music. A Jesuit priest has disguised himself as a shrub, and notes every word.)

MAURY
Greetings, fellow Elder.

ALBERT
Greetings, your Eldership.

MAURY
Yea, verily, I say unto you, are you prepared for the ceremony?

ALBERT
Mm-hm.

MAURY
Look, don�t say �mm-hm,� say, �Yea.� It sounds better.

ALBERT
All right. Yea, I be prepared.

MAURY
Then let us do the duty that we were born to, the sacred honor handed down, generation to generation, father to son. Let us complete our life�s work. Let us begin the Ceremony of Reawakening. Let us call forth our Supreme Rabbi from his 130 year sleep.

ALBERT
Yea, yea, let us please get on with it.

MAURY
I shall now speak the Sacred Words of Reawakening.

ALBERT
Speak the Sacred Words of Reawakening, o Elderly One.
(MAURY puts his hands on the man-sized tinfoil cylinder.)

MAURY
Baruch atah, Adonai eloheynu, melech ha-olam, boray p'ree ha-gafen.
(He steps back.)

ALBERT
You gotta be kidding me. Forty years I been asking you what the Sacred Words of Reawakening are. �No no, Albert, I can�t tell you that, they�re sacred.� Now you�re telling me my father sung �em every Friday night?

MAURY
Those aren�t the Sacred Words.

ALBERT
Then what are the Sacred Words?

MAURY
I don�t know.

ALBERT
What do you mean, you don�t know?

MAURY
My father wouldn�t tell me the Sacred Words. They were too sacred. His father wouldn�t tell him the Sacred Words. And so on, generations back, fathers not teaching their sons the Sacred Words.

ALBERT
So what was that business about just now?

MAURY
Thought I�d take a crack at it, maybe get lucky. I got a good record with the scratch cards.

ALBERT
You're an idiot. All my life I�m told that it�s gonna be my job to awaken the Supreme Rabbi from his 130 year sleep...I find the perfect music, I get our robes custom made -- you know you don�t just get long black robes off the rack, you gotta pay for �em!

MAURY
I�m sorry.
(The tinfoil cylinder rustles.)
Wait, Albert, look.
(A hand emerges from the cylinder, and begins tearing the tinfoil away.)
It worked! We did it!

ALBERT
Now what do we do?

MAURY
I don�t know, he�ll probably tell us.

ALBERT
Do you smell dill?

MAURY
Sh!
(The SUPREME RABBI emerges from the tinfoil. He looks good for having just awakened from a 150 year sleep, though his skin is grey and covered in some kind of liquid.)

MORE...

Associated Press, October 16, 2003: Malaysian leader claims that Jews 'rule the world by proxy'

posted by Dan 4:25 PM
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