Thursday, January 01, 2004

 

Don't Panic

Spent the Eve playing poker with the in-laws.

Woke up and logged on to the CNN site.

Everything looks okay in the new year so far. Manhattan was not turned into purple goo. There's just stories about Bush taking a hunting trip, sure, Rehnquist's boxers are in a wad, Nixon made plans to invade everybody, blah blah blah...

Oh yes, and the Earth is changing it's spin.

"Dear God! The Earth is changing its spin! Honey! Get in the shelter! It's the end! Bring the cans of pork and beans! And the toddler's Laalaa doll! Don't cry, my sweet angel! It's just the last chapter of humanity! Where's my rifle?! AGH! FRPHT! LLK...rreb..."

Oh wait, Limp Bizkit was voted worst band of the year by "Guitar World" magazine.

"Never mind, darling, it's the same old crap in '04."

posted by Dan 1:54 PM
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Tuesday, December 30, 2003

 

On the Other Hand

Maybe I should’ve been a lawyer. I would’ve had the sense to steer Mattel Toys clear of this boondoggle:

A federal appeals court on Monday dismissed a copyright lawsuit Mattel Inc. brought against a Utah artist who shot a photographic series depicting Barbie naked in a blender, wrapped in a tortilla and sizzling on a wok.

I think another trip to CrazyBackwardsLand is in order...

(Scene: Several years ago. A conference room in the Legal Department of the Mattel Corporation. Several attorneys listen to DAN, flashy, and superbly handsome.)

DAN:
Folks, folks, why do we need to bother with some chump from Salt Lake City? His aesthetic is third-rate. It’d be one thing is his concept was inventive or insightful, but folks, a naked Barbie in a blender? This same thing has been done by a freshman at every art school in the country, twice a year, for the last thirty years. At least the Aqua song was funny.

MR. HEAD LAWYER:
But Dan, we have to look aggressive in protecting the company’s interests.

MS. BIG-TIME LAWYER:
Besides, our budget is based on how many cases we’re pursuing, not how many we win.

DAN
So...the company keeps giving us money, as long as we keep wasting it?

MR. HEAD LAWYER & MS. BIG-TIME LAWYER:
Bingo!

DAN
Let the briefs begin!

HOT YOUNG PARALEGAL GIRL
Let’s you and me hit the Motel 6 first!

DAN
Excelsior!
(Everybody has a good laugh.)

FINALE MUSIC

CREDITS ROLL

PRODUCED BY STEVEN BOCHCO

posted by Dan 4:30 PM
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As If Such a Thing Needed Pointing Out

I’d like to point out that I’d make a terrible lawyer. Those who know me, know why. But if you’re you, and I know you are, then you don’t know me, and you need some illustration.

Let’s take an example from the news. Here’s a recent excerpt about a case found on the CNN website:

SOMERSET, Kentucky (AP) -- A drug dealer who helped plot the murder of a county sheriff was sentenced Monday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
...
Defense attorney David Hoskins said White will appeal his conviction.

Pretty straightforward, Law-And-Order-ready story. Now, let’s catch the shuttle bus over to CrazyBackwardsLand...

SOMERSET, Kentucky (AP) -- A drug dealer who helped plot the murder of a county sheriff was sentenced Monday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
...
Defense attorney Dan Trujillo said White won’t appeal his conviction. "I can pretty much see the prosecutor’s point," said Trujillo. “Besides, I hate arguing."

I'm glad it's my friend going to law school, and not me.

posted by Dan 9:23 AM
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Sunday, December 28, 2003

 

Department Of Excellent Ideas Case #49823

Those wacky cut-ups at PETA are bringing a little Halloween into the holiday season (link courtesy of Mighty Girl). They're protesting at productions of "The Nutcracker" all across the land. Any moms they spot wearing the forbidden fur? They're handing their kids a comic book teaching that Mommy is a murderer. It comes complete with a cover illustration of mommy stabbing a bunny to death with a kitchen knife.

This is a great idea. I'm not a big fan of fur, either. Best to bypass the rigid old parental codgers, and take that message directly to the kids.

You know what? I'm pro-gay marriage too. I think I'll go down to the local Baptist church and hand out gay porn to the kids coming out of Sunday School! They can learn how all forms of love are beautiful!

Then, I'll stroll down the block to the elementary school and pass out copies of High Times magazine! 'Cause I'm definitely against the drug war, and the kids should be too!

You won't find a bigger fan of the first amendment than me! I'm headed over to the local day care center, where I'll teach all those pre-Ks to say "c**ksucker" in five different languages!

It's all for what I believe in!

posted by Dan 2:46 PM
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