Thursday, January 29, 2004

 

Coming Attractions

Here's a short teaser trailer for my show, "Lil Pervs".

You'll see it soon in the cineplex...OF YOUR MIND MIND Mind mind mind...

PURCHASE TICKETS HERE!

posted by Dan 11:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004

 

Short & Sweet

Taking a break from long rants based on a single email to remind my readership (pop. 2) that my show, "LIL PERVS", is opening February 12th. Tickets are available at the website, or from the TheaterMania site.

We've got a show on Valentine's Day (hint, hint). But on any night, it's gonna be a hell of a time. And there's a bar below the stage. Booze and a show! What more could you want?

posted by Dan 2:22 PM
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004

 

Gosh! Can I Be Famous?

Normally I don't blog about my spam.

"So," says you, "that means you're going to blog about your spam, then?"

"Correct," says I. "Have you perchance sampled the SHUT UP," says I.

Normally, I ignore the emails for Nigerian bank accounts or sex-machine cream or TOP TESTESTED WALL STREET CAR LOANS AVAILABLE MASTERCARD....OTV419MZ. However, this one caught my eye, because, unlike that Nigerian/South African/Botswanan scam, I think people will respond to this one in droves, even though it hawks bags of glass as sparkling dreams.

Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 20:09:23 -0500
Subject: Announcing Pilot Season Casting

Already flags go up when I read this "announcement." To agents and managers, pilot season is like Pharoh's yearly emergence from the temple of Ammon-Ra. Every May our fine American Acting Schools graduate roughly 700,000,000 nubile twenty-somethings that have their ears tuned to the frequency at which a casting agent announces that she's seeking for the role of the dim-witted nymphomaniac best-friend. Pilot season doesn't need announcing. The people who need to know...they know. That you're announcing it to me means you think I'm some kind of schmoe. Which I am. Okay, that one's all ball.

Audition For Hollywood is pleased to announce the following casting notices: Michael Forman Management is accepting submissions for the current pilot season.

"Audition for Hollywood," you say? The whole thing, all at once? What an opportunity! Will they offer me the Standard Rich And Famous Contract?

"Audition for Hollywood" is the name of the website. It looks like an Online Directory of Talent that Casting Agents, Producers and Directors can browse. In fact, it is actually a Catalog of Desperate Souls needing to fill that void in their life with the chance to sell Labor Day Markdown Spectaculars for a local Ford dealership. I'm sure many of them are quite talented too. That's why, after a brief introductory period, they pay a registration fee, plus a monthly fee, to have their faces on this website that's perused by...well, who is it perused by, anyway? We'll get to that.

BTW, "Michael Forman" is a doctor specializing in spine, neck and back treatment. He lives in Harlingen, TX.

Please submit your profile if you are interested. Pilot season is the most active time of the year for talent.

Judging from the crop of pilots we've seen, that's a stretch.

Don't miss this incredible opportunity to have Forman Management consider your talents. Click here to submit your profile today.

You bet I clicked! How could I miss this, now that somebody has finally recognized that I have talents, and that I might need to a way to publicize these talents, talents best exploited through the medium of pilot season? I'm preparing my profile right now, look for that soon...

Also, don't forget to register for our Referral Program Give-A-Way. You could win a $5,000 photo shoot package including a trip to LA for winners outside of the Los Angeles area.

It just gets better and better, doesn't it? Fork over the names of your friends and colleagues, and we might fly you out economy class, put you up in a Comfort Inn for a night, dazzle you with a photo session courtesy of an investor's friend, so you can pay to post these photos at our site.

To get auditions in a city you don't live in.

Sincerely,
Susan Moses,
President

Note: You are receiving this notification because you had indicated your interest to one of our affiliates.

I always say no when some site asks me permission to share my email with anyone who forks over a couple sawbucks their affiliates. So I know you're lying to me, Susan. Yes, I'm a schmoe, but must you lie blatantly to the schmoe? Who do you think you are?

Well, according to the website:

Susan has privately coached talent in Denver on their career management and taught at the University of Colorado-Denver, Community College of Aurora jointly sponsored CFVI Studios Film School.

I must ask Brian why in the world he went all the way to North Carolina for his theatre weenie school, when all the training he needed was practically in his backyard.

As the former President and CFO of Grandma Moses Pictures, Ltd., she produced MIDNIGHT CABARET, which was shot on location in Los Angeles and financed by Lorimar and distributed by Warner Bros.

Indeed it was, and the only commentor on its IMDB page gave it the rave. However, the only credit I found under "Producer" was someone named Niki Marvin. Not that failing to catch the eye of IMDB's sterling researchers means you're a fake. It just adds to the mystery that is Susan Moses.

The company also developed and packaged a broad-based slate of film projects including, AMORE MUSICA, a modern romance, The Sidney Stone Affair, an action adventure, ONCE UPON A STAR, an adventure comedy and BABYLUV, a television film for Aaron Spelling.

Well, I'm glad to see all those things you've...developed and packaged. That's some fine...developing. And packaging.

How common is that claim? Well, even I've developed and packaged a project.

(By the way, is that BABYLUV as in "baby-love" or BABYLUV as in "By the waters of Babyluv, there we sat down..."?)

But I'm sure she's a real producer of something. The question is, who looks at the site? Well, there happen to be some success stories on the site! Six lovely actresses all landed plum roles in a commercial (say!) for Smart Ones, a delicious collection of Weight Watcher's meal products (all right!), after director Danny Duchovny pulled them from the Audition For Hollywood website (bingo-bango-bongo!)...

Danny Duchovny is a member of the website's advisory board.

Hmmmmm...

Were I cynical (which I am not, though I am gorgeous), I might think these "success stories" tainted by the conflict-of-interest brush. In fairness, the site makes no attempt to hide this, and why should they? That's the biz! Besides, does it really matter where the guy finds six lovely, young, wahfer-thin actresses? It's LA. Which stands for Lovelyyoungwahferthin Actresses.

In fact, does it really bother me that this site exists? No, and yes, and no again. It's not like the Industry was squeaky-clean and full of noble ideals before Audition for Hollywood came along. I just hate to think that some nice young kids will get played for chumps. Here's why:

During my stint in The Best Summer Job A Boy Ever Had, I was working the Multnomah County Fair. There I met two young ladies, prowling about in black dresses and heels on the dirt causeway, in the 98 degree heat, trying to get people to sign up for a scholarship at a local modeling school. The scholarship was actually a kind of work-study deal where you paid for your classes by...you guessed it...getting people to sign up for the modeling school.

Not a bad scam, but what was weird was that these girls were working me. The guy selling B&J's Peace Pops out of a cart. Now, these girls had clearly been shilling all day for naught, and were just happy to play to a captive audience. And I don't mind looking at pretty girls, even the millions upon millions that will never make it as models (I'm open-minded that way). As they pitched and pitched the benefits of this school, as they overwhelmed me with compliments and success stories, something strange happened. It was like the whole world suddenly dropped its definitions of beauty, and a dirty scrappy kid with a pony tail almost down to his ass could be a model. It was as if all dreams were attainable, and equally valid, and they were opening the door to infinite possibilities. I could do it, I could be a model, I should sign up for these classes, learn the ropes, see my face all over the world, and then...

...and then I shook it off. Because that's completely absurd. Anyone who tells me that I was wrong not to pursue that dream should consider that two weeks later the "school" was exposed in the local paper as a total sham.

I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person. Yet I believe that, in some alternate reality, I signed up for those classes, and lost my shirt to the hucksters before they were exposed. "Audition for Hollywood" is probably on the up-and-up, such as the "up" is. But they're serving near-hopeless fantasies in order to make their buck. Oh, they could put someone on the road to fame. And I could win the lottery, if I played. The deal wouldn't be tempting if there wasn't a very, very, very, very small chance of success. I have no doubt that some other recipients of this email are going to jete at this opportunity. I hope they all get famous. I'm pretty sure most will end up out some dough.

But it is Susan Moses et al's right to hawk this ware, and I wouldn't want to take that right away. I can only say this to Susan: The fact that you're conducting a spam campaign means your site must be quite thin on accounts right now. And to anyone that this site sounds like a good opportunity, I say this:

They never come looking for you. Never.

posted by Dan 2:00 PM
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