Friday, February 27, 2004

 

Chow!

HEY FRIENDS! It's feedin' time here at the Laffaplenty Fun-Barn, so get out your turnip baskets! All right horsies and cowsies, line up for your turnips! I said get in line, you silly beasts, with no developed frontal lobes!

HOLY CRAP! What's this in the turnip basket? Why, it's today's joke-turnip! Let's see what's inside!

Hmmm...inside the joke-turnip is a piece of paper! WOW, there's a joke written on it! I'd better read it, before Ma Kooky comes out with the ol' fryin' pan!

Let's see here..."Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"Road?" We have no "road" here! At the Fun-Barn, we walk down paths made of chocolate mud-cake and pink gravel gumballs! This joke fails to hold as t'were the mirror up to nature! I'm-a-gonna feed it to the skunks!

Now, as for you, chicken, what's this I hear about you crossing roads? You want the neighbors to think you're a whore?! I'm only saying this because I love you.

posted by Dan 1:01 PM
|

Thursday, February 26, 2004

 

had it

I'm going a news fast for a week, maybe two.

I can only process so many dead kids, bloody-minded fanatics and insipid politicians before I have to go away.

But this is good news for you, the reader! Because that means, for the next week, Venal Scene is KOOKY DAN'S LAFFAPLENTY FUN-BARN!

At the fun-barn, we do nothing all day but get SUPRASILLY! We ignore the chasm of emptiness growing in our hearts by sing-ing-inging the Fun-Barn Song!

Fun fun fun fun fun
in a barn barn barn barn barn
chickens gettin' wild doin' that chicken dance
Fun fun fun fun fun
in a barn barn barn barn barn
hey that horse is wearin' a tutu that's not right
Fun fun fun fun fun
in a barn barn barn barn barn
Kooky Dan's Laffaplenty Fun-Barn!

There's gonna be some wackytaffy times in the coming week! Goo-billy jokes! Flimo-licious games!

Starting tomorrow. I'm way too depressed right now.

posted by Dan 1:42 PM
|

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

 

Next Month I'm Doing a Stage Version of "Henry & June"

Sure, I was sad that some people didn't attend my show. But there's one ticket I would've refunded, had I known who the patron was.

My wife has a friend who, sincerely, makes Fred Rogers seem savagely cruel. He's always positive, always asking after our daughter. He's also a man of deep faith and religious conviction. He's never intolerant or judgmental. He's a credit to his church. His mother is also deeply religious, and from what I understand, somewhat less tolerant than he. So I was surprised to learn Monday that he brought her to my show.

I was running the box office on the night he came. It was very busy. Audiences for two different shows packed themselves into our small lobby. My line stretched out the door. When I saw his face in the window, solo, I gave the polite hello, handed him his reserved tickets, and sent him on his way. Had I seen his companion, I would've returned his thirty bucks and pointed him to a good restaurant.

When I heard that his mother came, and had a miserable time, I thought, "Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps I should've thought of this, called him, made it clear that he should take the title "Lil Pervs" as an indicator of the show..."

Yes, I felt like a schmuck, until I learned that he already knew what the show was about.

He had asked a Mutual Friend who had seen the show if he should bring his mother. I wasn't there for the conversation, but her answer went something like this:

MUTUAL FRIEND
First thing in the show, there's a monologue by a lesbian lusting after a rich lady, then there's the incest scene, then there's the dismemberment and the cannibalism...then later the house lights come up and an actress points out that everyone in the theatre has sex, and speculates on what they're like. Then she fantasizes about banging a rabbi.

Seems like a pretty clear answer, right?

I guess not.

So, in the interest of preventing this from ever happening again, I am instituting a ratings policy on all my shows, just for this guy. There's only one rating, because I want him to assume that normally my show will contain at least one moment of incest-dismemberment-cannibalism.

So, don't bring your mother unless you see this rating: "EMPOTOCOTNDAODSAITETMTPS."

It stands for "Enjoy My Production Of 'The Odd Couple,' Only They're Not Divorced, And Oscar Doesn't Swear, And In The End, They Marry The Pigeon Sisters."

posted by Dan 11:42 AM
|

 

GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME This is a show of hahas put on by Andres DuBouchet, with comedy assistance by Michael Reisman. The show is hosted by Andres' character, Francisco Guglioni from Boliviguay. He mixes stand-up comics with set bits featuring silly inventions. It has a great loose feel to it, as if the comedians are goofing off for you in their living room. If you live in New York, and ergo need a laugh, or at least need to stop crying, go see Giant Tuesday Night. It's every Tuesday at 8:00 pm, at the St. Marks Theater, 94 St. Marks Place between First Ave. and Avenue A. Look for the big sign.

Francisco Guglioni

posted by Dan 11:24 AM
|

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

 

Perfect

This seems like a reasonable thing to say:

Education Secretary Rod Paige called the National Education Association a "terrorist organization"...

To which DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe calmly replied:

"Secretary Paige has demeaned America's teachers and denigrated the men and women in uniform who are fighting a deadly enemy." (emphasis mine)

In the spirit of this conversation, I would just like to add that both of these men are much, much worse than Hitler.

posted by Dan 9:58 AM
|

Monday, February 23, 2004

 

And...Scene.

Closed "Lil Pervs" last night. I should put up some kind of organized, thoughtful debriefing, but I can't get my synapses to march in tandem. So let the disjointed bulleting begin!

• Rob Matsushita, one of the playwrights, has written up his thoughts on the show. He included a friendly jab at me, pointing out that my piece was the longest of the evening. I will say in my defense only this: The play was only twenty-five minutes. For anyone who knows my work, this is a friggin' miracle.



• On Friday, my mother- & father-in-law came, with five of their friends in tow. They were all amazingly enthusiastic and supportive of my play. It wasn't until yesterday that I learned the truth: they had no idea what was going on.
  
  This isn't their fault. The first scene takes place in an on-line game-world. It contains internet/persistent world/gaming jargon that flies right over the head of anyone over fifty. Basically, if you don't know how to use ebay as a verb, you're lost.
  
  As if that wasn't bad enough, the second scene contained mathematic/computer jargon that I flat-out made up.



• A sad moment between the sound designer Zeek and me, one night after the show:
  
  ME
  Who's this playing?
  
  ZEEK
  Outkast.
  
  ME
  And who was that doing the one before?
  
  ZEEK
  Outkast.
  
  ME
  Is that the same band that did the curtain-call music...what's it called?
  
  ZEEK
  You mean, "Hey Ya?"
  
  ME
  That's the one! This band certainly has promise. Perhaps they'll open for The Commodores someday!
  
  (Didn't actually say last part, but might as well have.)



• I made an actress cry. I know, I know, actresses cry at a bad weather report, but this one was my fault. I had intended to shake her up a bit. I might have shook a little too hard. I certainly don't enjoy reducing people to tears the way some producers do. I will say that after the incident her performance grew immensely. Since the results were positive, I should develop a thicker skin in this regard. So if you're an actress having trouble with a scene, email me, and I will call you ugly and stupid, and you will cry, and then your scene will be great. It's win-win.



• Producing costs a lot of money. No, really. A lot more than you think. Take that number in your head, triple it.



• Those people who told me they will so totally go to my thing? They totally didn't go. But they said to let them know when my next thing is, because they are so there.



• On a related note, there were seats available Sunday night, and where were you people? Home, getting teary over Kim Catrall simulating orgasm for the very last time. Well, at least that meant the bar was empty.



• My guest room is filled with set, prop and costume pieces that I now own, including:
  
  
  
  1. a 5'x5' IKEA cubby unit, with coat hooks and electrical dimmers glued to it;
  
  
  2. a low silver chair, suitable for sipping cocktails on the deck of the space station from "2001";
  
  
  3. three wire-and-Xmas-light globes, perfect for...anyone who needs those;
  
  
  4. a long black robe that is definitely my costume for Halloween '04;
  
  
  5. a crazy-looking tiel-and-aqua future-dress that is definitely the wife's Halloween '04 costume;
  
  
  6. four deely-bobber paperweights with hearts on the end, and who doesn't need paperweights, what with all that wind blowing around inside the house; and
  
  
  7. three furry white slipcovers for rehearsal cubes, not the cubes themselves, which were borrowed, but just the slipcovers.
  
  



• Finally, thanks to the great actors, designers, writers, SM and director who helped me get back into the swing of things. It was great fortune to indulge myself in this whim, and find myself surrounded by talented people willing to indulge as well.



• Oh yeah, and if anyone wants postcards or stickers, let me know. I've still got a ton of the crap.

UPDATE: Also, I have general liability insurance until midnight tonight (2/23). I'm not sure how to take advantage of this.

posted by Dan 3:23 PM
|