Friday, March 05, 2004

 

So long!

That's all for Kooky Dan's Laffaplenty Fun-Barn! We got a girl pregnant, so it's off to the army for us! See you next time!

posted by Dan 9:26 PM
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Thursday, March 04, 2004

 

Are You Just Going to Quit the Soccer Team, Chicken No-Legs?

I don't think that's what you want to do. There will always be challenges, Chicken No-Legs, for the rest of your life, which ends next July. It's not important that you fail, it's important that you try again. Now here comes the ball, Chicken No-Legs. Give it a kick!

I understand that you don't want to try. You're sad. It's okay to be sad, as long as it's followed by being happy! Remember when I forgot to go to the supermarket? I was sad, because there was nothing to eat for lunch. Then I sawed your legs off and grilled them over mesquite, and I was happy! That's what life is all about. Now let's see you be happy! Kick!

posted by Dan 11:46 AM
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Wednesday, March 03, 2004

 

Sweet Miss Madylene!

How we love her!

She's the prettiest character in the Fun Barn! Her prettiness shows just how ugly women really are. But not Miss Madylene! She's pretty! She makes our hearts go boom-boom!

What great characters we have here at the Fun-Barn! Scarecrow Otis is smart, Adam Smith Donkeyface is stupid, and Miss Madylene is prettywomany!

Oh Miss Madylene! Sing a song for us, with your prettywomany sing-mouth!

I drink a glass of milk every day
It builds bones, it prevents tooth decay
Osteoporosis is a preventable disease
Unlike pneumonia, which you deserve to get
I often wake up with a feeling of unease
Did I leave the oven on, with Bobby's head inside?
Fly fly away little screech-owl of happiness
Veal is God's way of saying, "I like to eat the young."
The moon is a pearl around a speck of cosmic sand,
that makes the solar system some kind of oyster,
And the galaxy is an aquarium at a Chinese restaurant.
Hey, who gave me this glass of milk? Thanks!
This is just what a prettywomany girl needs
To build strong bones and bright white teeth!
How many Tylenol does it take to make you sleep forever?


She's so pretty.

posted by Dan 12:24 PM
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Tuesday, March 02, 2004

 

Activity Time!

I'd like to invite all the kids out there to hate that dirty Visigoth family, the one that lives down by the swamp like a bunch of dogs. Come on, kids! Let's hate that Visigoth family!

They Live Like Animals
Their house is a complete pigsty, but without the joy of pigs! Here's a fun project you can do at home with your mom or dad! Make a big bowl of Beef Stroganoff, eat it all up, and then, instead of doing number two in the toilet, do it in your living room (be sure to get an adult to help you)! Now you're living just like that filthy Visigoth family!

They Practice a Queer Form of Presbyterianism
By ignoring the Bishop's Progolomation of 1913, their leniency toward ecclesiastical liturgy borders on heretical! Here's a connect-the-dots puzzle that shows you what I mean!



By the way, that's a Visigoth boiling in a cauldron of pitch! In Hell!

From A Lying, Disgusting Race
Fun Factoids:

• Did you know that the Visigoths are a deviant species?


• 50,000 years ago an evil galactic scientist created the Visigoth race by mating a human with the bile glands of an otter!


• A friend of mine said one of those Visigoths broke into his house and stole all his doorknobs!


Word Mix-Up
Here come some Scrambles!


If you're a little girl dancing with a Visigoth boy, you're a:

H W O R E

And if you let your kids dance with the Visigoths, our posse will kill them! Whoops, forgot to scramble that one!

posted by Dan 1:49 PM
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Monday, March 01, 2004

 

A Bit of Back-Story

We have a lot of fun here at the Fun-Barn, which is good, 'cause that's why we named it the "Fun-Barn." We originally called it the "Animals Pooping and F**king-Barn," 'cause we had a lot of that too. Didn't attract the right sort of crowd with that name, though.

So we changed it to the "Termite Maggot-Barn." We were trying to be honest about what our barn had to offer, and if there's one thing we've got in spades, it's termite maggots.

Then we were the "Detrimentally Honest-Barn," which in retrospect was too abstract for our demographic. Anyway, how honest were we really being, not mentioning all the termite maggots and animals pooping and f**king? Besides, goats are such liars.

So we started fresh and went with "Fun-Barn," which made sense, what with all the fun we have oozing out of our sores.

posted by Dan 1:13 PM
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Time fer the Fun-Barn Conceptual Roundup!

Git out your lassos and leather chaps, lil' pardners! We're gonna have us a Conceptual Roundup! Let me just toss my ol' twine I call "Stringy" here into the underbrush, and see what I can wrangle up!

Hey now, I rastled up an unauthorized screener of "The Pashun o' the Christ!" I wonder, if I watch this here unauthorized screener, is that a sin? Or do it git wiped away by virtue of the holy subjeck matter? An' how long kin I use this here Pogo-Possum-Meets-A-Miner-'49er dialeck before sumbudy shoots me in the neck?

[BLAM!]

Not long, apparently. Well, I'm a-gonna lay here quietly bleeding, while you look over what I caught in ol' Stringy!

Josh the Mennonite Farmer does some old-fashioned sympathizin' with Mel Gibson about his ornery coot of an anti-Semitic daddy!

The town drunk Andres gets a moth in his moonshine over one of Mel's devotees!

Miss Axelrod done found a movie critic with a bounty on her head!

An finally, that evil cattle baron El Flemming gives us an ale-drenched report from that limey King Chris IV!.

Agh, my jugular! It's getting' dark! I see the Almighty! He says that anyone who downloads Mel's movie shall have a curse on their children's heads! Arrrggh...

posted by Dan 12:31 PM
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