Friday, March 12, 2004

 

No More Makeover Shows

I say this as a man who watched "Trading Spaces" every day for about six months (slight blush), a man who enjoyed the pink tomfoolery of the first season of "Queer Eye" (big blush), and a man who has even sat through an episode of "What Not To Wear" (vile shame, dons hair shirt).

But it's getting to be a little much.

Yes, wow, TV person, you really look hotter/more successful/more confidant in your new body/clothes/house. For the 120 billionth time, amazing.

It's like a secular miracle marathon. "By the jawbone of Samson! That man just made that woman look ten years younger and thirty pounds lighter! He must truly have the power of almighty DESIGN!" And the Miracle of Water into Wine is reduced to "Jesus' Xtreme Cana Wedding Makeover!"

On the other hand, I might watch a makeover show where a guy thinks he's getting a tummy tuck, but instead they turn him into a woman.

posted by Dan 5:01 PM
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Thursday, March 11, 2004

 

Living the Life of the "In" Crowd

My wife and I will be attending a benefit gala given by my friends Anne and Kirsten, for their documentary, "ASPARAGUS! [Stalking the American Life]". Kirsten was raised in a small town in Michigan, whose primary product is...do I even need to say?

The gala will include an appearance by the Asparagus Queen. I'm vibrating like a Chihuahua with excitement.

posted by Dan 3:19 PM
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004

 

You Guys Must Really Be Desperate

I got a follow-up email from those people with the "get-famous" website. They are seeking an ACTOR, a DANCER, a SINGER, a BAND, a WRITER, a MODEL and a host of background players for their international launch commercials. Naturally I was interested, since I am all of those things. But the email warned me I MUST BE A MEMBER TO BE CONSIDERED.

My heart shriveled. Tears pooled. "But I'm not a member, therefore I cannot be considered!" I cried, fists clenched with rage at life's inequities.

Then a beam of light poured out of the heavens, illuminating the next sentence of their email. I can get an entire YEAR of FREE membership, plus a bonus from FredaLA.com! I leapt into the air, and cherry blossoms descended. All I had to do was take a survey, which should take 3-4 minutes of my time. YES! I just happen to have 3-4 of those right here!

I hurry to the survey. The first thing they want is my name. Drat, a name! I need a stage name, something that communicates my wide range of talents, and indicates that those talents might be useful as an ACTOR DANCER SINGER BAND WRITER MODEL. This was my short list:

• Jiminy Cricket


• Enrico Quatro


• Phillip Lewis Megatron


• Lil' Perv


• Boozehound Rummy


• Leta Ford

I decided on Enrico Quatro, since the Latino thing is so big, and I am a Latino, in a total honky way.

Here were some of my questions, and my answers, sort of:

Question One: Please indicate one or more of the profiles that describes you best: ACTOR MODEL MUSICIAN PAGEANT CONTESTANT COMEDIAN DANCER WRITER REALITY TV PARTICIPANT PRODUCER

Girl, you know I check off every one of those! My talent is infinite as the universe, and like the universe, it was formed 10,000 years ago by a cosmic cow that licked it from a sheet of ice.

The actual or estimated $ amount you spend annually for self-promotion is:

$25,000! My wife thinks I've been buying food! Tee-hee!

The $ amount you are willing/able to spend each month for international exposure to entertainment industry decision-makers and/or casting/audition opportunities is:

The fact that I'm only doing this after you offered it for free should make it obvious that I'm willing to spend up to $ nothing on it.

What percent of your current income is derived from the entertainment business?

I think they only keep me around at my day job because I'm mildly amusing, so I put down 100%.

Have you used an online dating service within the last 12 months?

This is something else I haven't told my wife about, but the internet seems like a safe place to discuss it.

Do you currently own an ATM/Debit card? Do you currently own a credit card? Do you currently have a checking account?

If by Debit card, you mean the Debit Card of Talent, and by credit card, you mean Citibank Talented Visa, and by checking account, you mean Check Me Out As I Count The Ways I'm Talented...I guess the short answer is no.

How often do you use your ATM/Debit card, Credit Card, and Personal Checks?

This seems like a legitimate line of questions for an employment search engine to ask me. Monster.com often queries my financial habits. The New York Times classified ads depend on this data just to stay in print.

Are any of the following an inducement for you to subscribe to a job search website that matches your profile to industry decision-makers and job opportunities?: A personalized ATM/Debit card associated with a major US bank; A 3 day/ 2 Night complimentary vacation package at a well known resort location; Discounts automatically available by being a subscriber from sources such as: supermarkets, car rental companies, national cosmetic products, health store products, department stores, national gasoline brands, fitness gyms, etc; or a personalized credit card associated with Visa or MasterCard?

At last, we get to the heart of the matter. You're leading me to conclude that, as a member of your website, any one of these gifts could possibly maybe kinda be in some manner offered to me for free or at the very least at a reasonable price? Why, I can feel that personalized credit card in my wallet already! And so much more useful than my unpersonalized credit card, which just has "LIKE, WHOEVER" printed on it.

Which of the following best describes how you view the pursuit of your career goal(s) in the entertainment industry?:

• extremely important to me; its my passion


• important, but not all consuming


• somewhat important; I’ll do what I have time for and can afford


• not so important as it used to be; I’m re-focusing my energies

Is there any other answer than the first? Who else would be willing to take an on-line survey that offered a bunch of free crap in return? That way lies madness. I assure you, website, I am one-hundred-twagillion percent behind our efforts to make me famous. And to show you how committed I am, I am sending you a picture of the red-hot poker I intend to ram up my ya-ha if I'm not famous by the end of the week. Now who's committed? To Bellevue?

posted by Dan 5:28 PM
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

 

Sir I Must Protest

On Monday I announced the winner of the 2004 Venal Scene One-Word Play Competition. It didn't take long for the embittered losers less-than-successful applicants to register their objections. Here's a steaming pile of falsehoods from Mike Mariano.

Hey, I'd just like to warn everybody up front that this contest is no picnic, and frankly it's a little unfair. Dan rejected both of my entries for the 2004 contest outright, and I think he was out of line. He said my first, "Yeargh! (The Howard Dean Story)" didn't use an actual word, and therefore didn't fit in a "one-word" contest. He never even gave an explanation for my second entry, "Su-Sussudio". I don't know; maybe he counted it as two words. In any case, no matter how easy you think a one-word contest can be, be prepared for an even tougher rejection than usual.

And I never got my $399.98 back.

None of these accusations are true, except about the money. The reason I rejected Mike's scripts was because they were submitted on scrolls of human flesh.

posted by Dan 12:35 PM
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Let The Comments Begin...Again...

Due to massive protest by 33.3% of my readership, I have switched over to HaloScan for comments. Unfortunately, this means that any comments made so far this week will be unavailable. There's one piece of libel from the comments that I'm reprinting, so that I may address the lies. Look for that soon.

posted by Dan 12:25 PM
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Monday, March 08, 2004

 

Contest Winner!

I've used my vacation to catch up on my reading, and now I'm ready to make the announcement. I'm sorry to have held so many people in suspense, but I wanted to consider all the entries carefully. But the time has come.

Announcing the Winner of the 2004 Venal Scene One-Word Playwriting Competition

First, a bit of explanation. This competition features plays with one spoken word of dialogue. Ten-minute plays are old news. One-minute plays are for wimps. The one-word play is the new paradigm!

PLAYWRIGHTS! Sick of getting stuck in the second act? Or the second page? With the one-word play, those days are over!

THEATRE COMPANIES! Stuck doing a new play every year because of some stupid pledge to "produce new work" you bulked up your grant applications with? You can do a one-word play before your production of "Auntie Mame, " and the audience won't even notice! Heck, do six!

AUDIENCES! Tired of having your buzz wear off before the curtain call? With one-word plays, you'll be high as a kite through the whole thing! And therefore you'll think it's brilliant!

And the winner of the 2004 Venal Scene One-Word Playwriting Competition is...Hambone by Johann Phillipe Benkowicz

Click here to read this excellent play. It exemplifies all of the virtues of the one-word play: concentrated drama, Beckettian imagery that speaks to the audience of theater majors, and, most importantly, one spoken word.

Here's a list of the runners up:

• Iraq! by Leanne Rutherford


• all/right by Mori Akiyama (technically two words, but it's avant-garde)


• Be by Roger Gustaffson, adapted from a play by W. Shakespeare

Congratulations to all who participated. You wrote a play with one word of dialogue, and no one can -- or will -- take that away from you.

If you'd like to participate in the 2005 One-Word Playwriting Competition, email me. The rules are:

1. Plays must have only one spoken word, spoken once.


2. Plays can be only half a page long. No mime epics, please.


3. Also, no telephones. Just 'cause.


4. All plays will be judged by me, and my decisions are final, and also true in a cosmic sense.


5. There is a processing fee of $199.99 per play.


6. Plays cannot be returned, and no critiques will be offered, due to budget constraints

Email me if you're interested, and I'll be happy to look at your processing fee!

posted by Dan 1:06 PM
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And Welcome More

To the batch of playwright-blogger links:

George Hunka, who's got a lot of thoughtful short essays that put my monkeyshines to shame. Check out his post on why most modern American family plays are drivel. Yikes.

But wait there's more! Mac Rogers, also thoughtful and funny. Here's an insight into why no one goes to plays. Yes, yes, besides the fact that plays are boring.

Also, I met one of the other BPs, David Moldawer. He's a very smart guy. You should check him out, if you've been too busy eating nachos to bother. Delicious nachos, with the Velveeta cheese and the sour creammmmmm...

posted by Dan 1:00 PM
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RSS Feed

Apparantly, my life up to this point has been a hollow lie. But with my new Site Feed, my life is a cornucopia of truth and fulfillment!

posted by Dan 11:08 AM
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VENAL SCENE IS BACK

Alert the media.

UPDATE: In case you came here for the usual Venal Scene fare, and are confused by the change in tone over the last few days, and would like an explanation...well, let's just say that I had to go away for awhile. Rest easy, though, the "Fun-Barn" has been dismantled. It's safe to come play. Just be careful not to step in any goat poop.

posted by Dan 10:11 AM
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