Friday, May 14, 2004

 

An Apology to Feeders

Greetings, friends. This is Dan. Bronson got a little excited about that last entry, presumably while being fellated by his iMac, and pressed the "publish" button about sixty bazillion times. The result is that the entry might appear sadi bazillion number of times on your readers. My apologies. I assure you, Venal Scene has not become the All-Phoney-Bronson-Pinchot-Blog-site. Unless I get a lot of positive feedback from the ladies. 'Cause you know I'm all about the needs of the ladies.

posted by Dan 1:10 PM
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Guest Blogger: Bronson Pinchot

Hi everybody, Bronson Pinchot here! Happy to be making a guest entry on Venal Scene. Let me add that Dan is just as gorgeous as the papers say. Oh yeah, and my appearance here on Venal Scene should not be taken as an endorsement by Dan of my comedy series Perfect Strangers. Though he does speak highly of Mark Linn-Baker's stage work. Well, I don't mind. After all, he did ask me to guest blog here at Venal Scene...after Mark turned him down.

Anyway, I'm supposed to recommend some funny entries on some other blogs. 'Cause I know funny! So, where's that envelope I wrote my notes on...ah yes!

Have you checked out the link to Andres' site? Check out his waiter's hilarious monologue. You know, I think there was an episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki got a job as a waiter, and ended up serving Larry and Jennifer at the restaurant. Then Jennifer asked for water, but Balki thought she said "daughter" and GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW Sorry, that's the "Anti-Balki Discussion" chip Dan impanted in my neck. It's attuned to the synapses that contain information about Balki, and if they fire too often, the chip has a microcharge it GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW See I was just thinking about the time Balki was trying to change the light bulb GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW You get the idea.

What's next? I can't read this. I was in the john when I was on the phone with Dan, and I ran out of room on the envelope, so all I had was my wife's Tampax wrapper...okay, I got it. Todd Levin has a post about his efforts to fight world hunger. Did I mention I'm developing a new character, totally unlike that other character from that show I won't mention, and the character's name is Brad Johnson? Brad Johnson is from Nebraska. He speaks perfect American English, but he has a lot of strange customs like he paints his gentials GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW Okay that was a different chip from the first one, that's the "Keep It Disney" microcharged chip. Dan wanted to keep my entry family-friendly, but it seems unnecessary GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW That's the "Dan Doesn't Do Anything Unnecessary" chip, it keeps me from thinking that he does things that are unnecessary, like a rambling tangent delivered by a fake celebrity GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW Right that was the "Premise Reality Protection" chip, I put that one in myself.

One last link: Turbanhead presents the oddest Bollywood clip ever. I'm not even going to pretend that this has anything to do with the previous link, but Andy Kaufman did the same schtick I did, and REM made a damn song about him. I guess if I'd been cruel and manipulative before dying young, Milos Foreman would be interested in me too. Wow, I can't believe Dan didn't think to implant a "Bitter Kaufman Resentment" chip. In your face, Truji GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW Why did I just stick my tongue in the USB port? I was doing so well with no electric shocks GRZZZZXZWZZZ OWWW I did it again! Oh, I get it, that's the "Fetish For Computer Input Jacks" chip, which only fires when I think about Milos Foreman. I guess that one's more of an experiment than anything else. Well, the iMac and I have some massage oils to try out, so I'll see you later, kids!

posted by Dan 10:48 AM
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

 

Letting Myself Off the Hook

I was feeling bad about missing yesterday, so I actually put an entry in today, instead of just a link. And then I felt guilty because I'm supposed to be using my time to do playwright stuff.

But then I came up with a solution: guest bloggers are all the rage!

So, be sure to look out for tomorrow's exciting guest on Venal Scene!

Where did I put Mom's phone number...

posted by Dan 12:58 PM
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Old Movies Are So Great...Except This One

I wanted to get a Cary Grant screwball comedy from the 30s. Research. They didn't have any at the video store, save His Girl Friday. I've seen that six times. However, they did have I Was a Male War Bride. It had Cary Grant, the same director as His Girl Friday (Howard Hawks), but it was made in '49. I decided to take it, since the Cary Grant in this movie is closer to the age of the Cary Grant I'm researching.

The next time somebody tells you that they don't make good movies anymore, remind them that they didn't make good movies then, either.

It's supposed to be a classic, so I'll assume that people thought this movie was funny when it came out. But now it tastes of sawdust. By this flavor, I study how most comedy loses its spice over time.

Cary Grant plays a Frenchman, insomuch as he claims to be French. Other than that, he's pretty much Cary Grant. He's an officer in the French army, Ann Sheridan is a WAC, and they're hating/loving each other in occupied Germany. They decide to get married, and that turns out to be real hard, as the Army despises heterosexuals.

The humor of the story depends on watching Cary Grant tangle with military bureaucracy and oversight. That might be funny, if I didn't think that a bit of that WWII-era oversight could prevent certain shenanigans in today's military.

Cary and Ann finally decide that the only way to ship their betrothalness stateside is to claim that Cary's a war bride. A little-known fact: after WWII, Truman issued a fatwa that any captured alien soldiers could be forced into marriage or slavery. Grant's classification as spoils of war leads to a series of very mild indignities, where he sits with other women, hold a baby, and learn which PX sells brassieres. You can probably guess the climactic indignity from the box above. I find it amazing that, in fishing for laughs, it's simply not enough to put a man in a dress anymore. If he's not singing ABBA, the gag just dies.

I haul this poor old defenseless comedy out and whip it to make a point, however. Whereas His Girl Friday still works, this movie doesn't. I think it's because His Girl Friday is about men and women navigating between personal and professional relationships in the workplace, and that's still at issue today. Plus, Ben Hecht co-wrote it, and his used cocktail napkins are funnier than anything you or I will do.

Point is: Some stories are for all times, some for most times, some for about thirty seconds. When a writer embarks on a project, who knows which he or she's writing? Should the writer even care about such matters?

posted by Dan 12:08 PM
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I Am a Stinking Liar

Remember how I said I was going to post a link every day?

Man, you should've seen the look on your face when I didn't. Whoa Nelly!

Speaking of making Nelly Whoa, here's an article on the technical problems and solutions of portraying horses on stage (pdf file).

P.S.: In Case You Care: That article should should say Enrico IV, not Enrico I.

posted by Dan 10:56 AM
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Tuesday, May 11, 2004

 

Low Tide

Going to be low posting for the next few days, as I take care of playwriting stuff in the real world. At the least, I'll post a link to something every day...

something...

something like this. (via daveheinzel.com)

posted by Dan 11:44 PM
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Monday, May 10, 2004

 

Please Give Until It Really Really Hurts You

I wish that all electronic stoop sales were this honest.

posted by Dan 12:07 PM
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