Venal Scene

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

No Really, It Wasn't My Fault This Time

My website has had some serious problems recently, so I couldn't publish anything. This had the unfortunate side effect of terminating the earth's rotation. To all those who flew off into the frigid void of space, I apologize.

posted by Dan 11:00 PM
|

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Guest Blogger

Please give a warm Venal Scene welcome to actress and guest blogger Alisha McKinney.

Yesterday I auditioned to play an angel for Philly Cream Cheese. I loathe Bite and Smiles. The minute you train a camera on me I find it physically impossible to do both. Biting? Sure. Smiling? Okay. Both? Fuck no.

And the place was packed with kids. That wouldn't have been a problem if they were of the regular, snot-nosed variety but these kids were PROFESSIONALS; all megawatt smiles and creepy, oddly adult mannerisms. It was a dance call for Target which meant lots of stretching and quasi-sexual contorting which is disconcerting when one is trying to maintain an angelic state of mind.

In the room they'd set up a long table, a stool, a plate of Special K cereal bars and some cream cheese. (Philly, of course.) I was to walk in, say my first two lines as I sit, discover the cream cheese, take a bite and say my final line: "Who knew Heaven could be more heavenly?" Piece of cake. I walk in, say my first line and CUT. "Let's make it a little more... bright." I do it again (brightly), go to pick up a chunk of Special K and CUT. "You might want to spread some cream cheese on it." Oh THAT! Yes, the product, yes. Start again: bright but hopefully not psychotic, cream cheese, take a bite and... pause for chewing... pause... still chewing... CUT. "Maybe not so big a bite this time." Deep breath in (still chewing) and: brightbrightbright, cream cheese, tiny little bite, shove the tiny bite into the back of the mouth to try and say line but line somehow comes out less like actual words and more like choking cow. CUT. Silence. "Again." BRIGHTBRIGHTBRIGHT, cream cheese, tiny little bite, slightly less choking cow and CUT. Casting director unusually quiet. Words of consolation ("This is a tough one, huh?") Exit room in shame; cue freakishly flexible children.

I'm still hoping for the hamster job.

posted by Dan 11:14 PM
|