Thursday, February 15, 2007

 

Prime Time at My House

(Scene: My living room.)

TV:
Assigned to supervise a burgeoning civilian refugee camp housed on the Galactica's starboard hangar deck, Capt. Karl Agathon faces a restive population, including many Sagittarons. Considered insular and backward by their fellow Colonial citizens, the Sagittarons are used to discrimination — and to fighting back. Worse, the civilian doctor overseeing the refugees, Dr. Mike Robert diagnoses a number of the Sagittarons with Mellorak sickness . The disease is curable if it's treated within 48 hours. Untreated, it's fatal — and the Sagittarons don't believe in medical care.

ME:
Sorry, TV. Did you say something? My mind was elsewhere. Just got home from the job, after watching the kid, after shoveling snow. Where does the day go? God and I’ve only spent two hours this week writing. I’ll never get anything done at that rate. Sorry, TV, you have my attention now. You were saying something about Sagi-trons?

TV:
A power play ensues between Jack and "The Others" as Juliet's future hangs in the balance. Meanwhile, Kate, Sawyer and Karl continue on their journey away from "Alcatraz."

ME:
I didn’t really get any of that, TV. I was trying to follow you but then I had to cook dinner and fix the plastic cover on my kid’s window and track down where the HELL this credit card bill came from. Is this about that show Lost? I’ve been meaning to get to that, the first season DVD has been sitting on top of my DVD player for three months now. I did catch the first episode. Maybe I’ll just jump in on season three, I’m sure I can pick it up quickly, right?

TV:
2:05 P.M. Morris is brought into CTU. Chloe rushes to him, but he is embarrassed and refuses to respond. Jack enters CTU for the first time in almost two years. Faces he doesn’t recognize stare back at him. Buchanan lets him know that they believe that Gredenko is aiding Fayed.

ME:
Okay you obviously can’t take a hint, TV. Would you just dial yourself to SHUT UP, please. I’m trying to change one daughter’s diapers and give the other one a bath. CRAP I MIXED THEM UP AGAIN. Look TV, I just can’t be bothered with all your comings and goings. If you can’t speak to me in Perry Mason-sized, repetitive installments, I’m not going to listen. Speaking of which, do you carry Perry Mason on any of your hundred billion channels? There we go. Maybe poor Hamilton Burger will catch a break this time.

Labels: true confessions, tv

posted by Dan 5:59 PM
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

 

Authentic NYC Subway Announcements

Ladies and Gentlemen: please stand away from the platform edge as trains enter and leave the station. We painted a big yellow line up and down it to provide you with a clue to use, you know, caution. But you probably think the yellow means “piss here.” People are scum.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Subway panhandling is illegal. So are hunger and homelessness. Go ahead, kick them in the shins.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Because of a police investigation, there is a delay in train service. It’s just an investigation. Don’t sweat it. What was that noise?

Ladies and Gentlemen: Thank you for riding with MTA New York City Transit. Anyway, those other transit systems hate babies.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Stay alert. Trust no one. Be suspicious of romantic and familial bonds. Remember that party, where your friends were laughing? It was about you.

Ladies and Gentlemen: If you see a suspicious package or activity, do not keep it to yourself. Tell the person next to you. Watch them totally bug. Ha ha. People are scum.

Labels: New York

posted by Dan 5:44 PM
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Monday, February 12, 2007

 

NAPLWRIMO Hall Of Fame

Dorothy has posted the ten plays completed for National Playwriting Month, including mine (called Toolbox) I’m already working on my rewrite, so I deny everything.

Labels: theatre

posted by Dan 5:04 PM
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Dear Presidents Bush and Ahmadinejad,

Would you just kiss already? You’re not fooling anybody.

Yours in Love,
Dan

Labels: news

posted by Dan 4:46 PM
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Dear Hollywood,

You don’t get any more cars. Last night I watched the previews for the upcoming crop of movies, and I can’t believe how many perfectly good cars you tossed around. I don’t care if they’re CGI, it’s the principal of thing.

Because it’s old. I've seen it: cars flying toward the camera to great noise and agitation. I watch the preview and think, “They’re tossing cars again. I guess they must be saying that the movie is CAR-TOSSING AWESOME!” Then I hope for a brighter future. And yet, preview after preview, there go the cars like rice at a wedding.

I really knew you had a problem when William Wilberforce threw a humvee at Parliament.*

No more tossing cars. No more throwing cars. No more hurling, pitching, heaving, lobbing, or chucking cars. Do not make me hit shift-F7. No more heroes improbably weaving, ducking, or evading those tossed cars either. I am not impressed.

Do you understand? You have lost your car-tossing privileges.

Now make a movie without tossing any cars.

Ready? Go.

Yours,
Dan

* Not so true

Labels: movies

posted by Dan 4:30 PM
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